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Thoughts of a Dragon

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ceteruler created the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

okay
so here is what i want (or need) to do
in this thread i will be sharing the thoughts of my day.some will be funny,others will be, to be truthful, depressing
i dont know if this is the place for this but i really dont have any other place to vent
so please excuse the random thoughts of some one like myself

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ceteruler replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

day 1
some people make me angry
while anger and rage are two emotions i feel all the time... sometimes there is a light in the darkness
there was this girl i was talking to, her name was...well lets call her Miss Evil
now don't think about the name its just what i call her! she is really a sweet girl, razor sharp and generous to a fault.
and while i think about it she passed a very important test, in my mind i felt as if i have failed.

let me explain me and her met before my friends birthday on the same day. and me and her didnt hit it off at first but we started talking and i found out that she is ten years younger than me to the day. To. The. Day. so that made me feel a little closer to her, and then the cuddling started. first it was on the couch all simple and innocent, she told me she had a boyfriend earlier that night so i was not gonna do anything, But then she told me she was having problems with said boyfriend. in my mind "Chance!" cuz she digged me and i her.
now when the party was over and everyone was drunk (excluding myself even though i drank more than everyone else combined, dammed light weights) so i had to spend the night at my buddy's friends place
miss evil was too
now dont get ahead of yourselves! i was a gentleman all night with her, all i did was have my hand on her butt most of the night.
the next morning was a shit storm. i didn't have my meds and i drank on top of no sleep, so naturally i was an emotional mess.
i felt so bad for even just spending the night with her i broke down crying. if it wasn't for my friend Lincoln and his girl i would have gone to the mental ward.
but thats not the worst the last few months we have been hanging out, me and miss evil. and our cuddling got more and more intense. in my heart i wanted to keep her...
it started to effect her negatively,my presence in her life i mean. she could not focus on collage and she was just going nuts because she wanted to keep me and her boyfriend.
but as we know my friends,this could not be
about a week or so ago my best friend was visiting me and while i was in the shower she said a package came for me. there was a knock on the door and there was the package, but she said no one was there
i open it and there before me was a beautiful dai-katana with dragon god markings
and there was also a note
i will not say what the note said, but Miss Evil gave me two things for Christmas, a sword and a broken heart
but i am proud of her for her decision, if she chose me i would be happy, but i feel she would have been troubled by it
i am ten years older than her after all and i was under the constant fear of her father, who hates me to this day
so with a heavy heart and a tear in my eye i have let her out of my life
but that does not mean i will not think about her, i always do. all the people i love are constantly on my mind, but she will have a special place in my cold heart. one of the few places where there will be warmth.
i wont deny it, i was happy with her but it could not be, not right now, not where my life is
so i will work, on myself and my life until i feel i am ready for her to be with me, but time is always against me. she might not forget me, but she might forget the feelings i have for her.
it was like this before with another girl but she ran away to collage before anything solid and she does not call or text me anymore.
it needed to happen with Miss Evil but my heart still aches when i think about her and my thoughts are just on how to show her i am ready for her
i know what i need to do but i just need the strength and courage to go through with it
only time will tell

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Arrocee replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

Romance!
It sounds hard but it's touching the way it is now?
Regardless of how you choose to approach the situation now (pursuing her in her own way, or respecting the finality of her decision) I wish you happiness!

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ceteruler replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

of course im respecting her decision, but as i said i am going to improve myself not just for her but for me too

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ceteruler replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

entry 2: New Year Blues

so here i am all by myself in the new year...well that is mostly by choice than anything really.
i had no company last night for the new year,which makes me sad but i feel relieved because i was sober for new years for once. last year i got so drunk i could not move for a week after (haha) but i digress. so what has been happening to our Dragon Knight for the past few months? Well to tell the truth, nothing.

But here is where it gets interesting my Friends, i have many plans for this years. so i will list my goals for this year and hopefully i will get them done

1. Quit smoking cigarettes
2. Quit drinking mountain dew
3. Quit eating so many snack foods
4. Start exercising and training again
5. Get a job
6. Maintain job for at least 10 months (this one might go into next year)
7. Get into collage

that's all for right now but i will think of more

the reason i am telling you all this is because y'all have been a cornerstone for my recovery and mental state for the past 14 years (im looking at you Sura-dono) and i know you all have not been here the entire time BUT all of you feel like family to me, and family stick together no matter what

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ceteruler replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

entry 3: Dreams

so i slept a little bit and i feel better, but i had a really interesting dream... i don't know if it was good or bad

basically it was a war dream (i have these all the time) but towards the end i was crying begging a girl to stay by my side, then i awoke and i realized i was crying

silly isn't it?

i've had dreams like this before. one of the worst ones was i was fighting in a huge battle. all around me my friends were falling slain until i was alone. i was captured and paraded around my enemy's capital like some kind of trophy, it was all for my public execution. when the ax came down i awoke in a cold sweat.

is it something to come? or is it nonsense?

another one is i see myself, an older version of me but definitely me, and i was with a family. i could not figure out why i was with them, then i looked into the eldest child's eyes she was little maybe 4 or 5 but she had my eyes no one else i know has my eyes, even in my family. i realized it was My family, the one i have always wanted. to this day i can't tell if it was a beautiful dream or a horrid nightmare, i feel that i will be old and gray when i finally have my family, but i just don't know

sorry about that, i just feel very...mortal about this. i can't describe it in any other way. im strong, you all know this, but im afraid. im afraid about having a family, its probably my worst fear and i am a man who fears almost nothing. will i be like my father, who was not there in my life? will i be a good parent? i mean, i love kids. kids make me feel human and loving. i swore on the first day i held my oldest niece that i would protect any child in my reach. But i feel regret because for all the children in my life, im not really there, i didn't see my nieces first steps, hear my nephews first word. i feel im a horrible uncle. i can't even afford to buy them Christmas and birthday presents because i never have any money. i feel horrible because i cannot be in their lives.

im going to be 30 this month and really i have accomplished nothing. all that i have done in my life is sit in front of the TV or computer and wasted my life.

i feel i am a failure, that i don't deserve the love my family and friends give me.

im sorry that got a little dark...but this is what i am thinking at the moment as i sit in my lair and listen to music and tell my inner most thoughts

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Arrocee replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

Hey cete, don't feel too bad! You might feel like a failure but there are many other people in your position. Life's not easy, and I think everyone except for super competent and confident people fear what's to become of themselves. I'm the same way too. On the plus side, it looks like you have some constructive goals for yourself, although they're big. Hopefully you can pick one or two to focus on first and break them down into steps.

And your dreams sounds very dramatic! I occasionally get dramatic dreams but a lot of times I feel like they haven't been very vivid or heroic since childhood.
Chin up, best of luck for your new year

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Aletheia replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

Reading what Ceteruler wrote... you'll get past it, you know? Maybe not right now, it does not work like "click" and it's all perfect. It's a road taking uphill, against the wind.

It's difficult sometimes, and seeing people who do actually care about you and believe in you seems unreal because you might not agree with them. Worst part, since you feel so, you can't tolerate seeing them either, you start avoiding them, become more reclusive. Does you no good.
The gifts? Once you get your own life on the line, you'll be able to make it all even, and all that love and trust too. It's like an investment, and later you'll give the interest percentage. Right now, you can give them time to spend together, teach them something cool or silly or useful. You're their uncle, not someone else. That's worth right there.

As Arroccee said, one step at a time. This will become your support pillar, the one you yourself will build.


*I don't like vivid dreams. It's like an action horror movie right inside my head, except I'm the criminal, the victim and the onlookers. No dreams is best sleep.

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ceteruler replied the topic: Thoughts of a Dragon

Entry 4 : heartbreak and the fallen friend

i know its been a while since I've made an entry but....

so my "best friend" is not my best friend anymore. you see, me and her had a really nasty fight and things look like they are not going to be good ever again.I had a feeling that this was going to happen. in retrospect, looking back on the past two years she was treating me like absolute shit, ever since she broke up with her abusive boy friend ( who continues to live due to her) . i feel that she resented then down right hated me because i gave my permission for him to date her. in my defense i had no idea how he was. she says i have changed, but have i really? she basically pussy whipped me without the pussy (excuse my language). yes at one point i was hoping for a relationship with this girl, but it was not me who changed but her. her girlfriend and me talked many times and she was always saying that " she is a good person to everyone she meets" so where does that leave me? so many times i wanted to tell her " where is that goodness when she comes here?"

by the gods im such a door mat sometimes, she stopped respecting me years ago and i just rolled over and took it.

no body else can see the resentful ugly person she became, well in reality it was me who could not see it. but if i really think about it i saw it but some part of me still loved her. hell i still love her, a part of me always will but she can't be in my life anymore. She bared her fangs at anyone i invited to the lair and i cut off people because of her.

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